This is a post I kept going back and forth about writing for a number of reasons. But I’ve decided to share my story. This will be the first post in a series I will be doing.
***Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional, this is just my journey and what I learned. If you are having severe emotional struggles, depression or suicidal thoughts, please seek medical attention immediately. Thank you***
As a first time mother, I always knew I wanted to try breast feeding my baby. As you’ve probably heard time and time again, “Breast is best”…and to some degree it is. But for a lot of women it isn’t a possibility or even a consideration and that’s okay! You do what’s best for you and your child, you are the parent after all and a fed baby is a happy healthy baby.
However in my case, no one told me how difficult it could be or even the repercussions of stopping.
Before I gave birth, I could feel my body getting ready; my breasts were getting heavy and filling with milk. I was informed by my midwife that I should start collecting Colostrum also referred to as “liquid gold”. It’s essentially the thick first milk you produce while pregnant and just after birth. It is high in nutrients, antibodies and antioxidants, which greatly helps your baby’s immune system. So, I did what any mother would after hearing all those fabulous benefits, I bought syringes and began collecting! I collected 15 syringes in total, all varying amounts, but I was so proud of myself and felt ready to take on my breast feeding journey.
Unfortunately, my breast feeding journey with Valeria was a struggle to begin with and then was cut short due to illness. My supply tanked, what little I had to start and I tried everything to up my supply. You name it, I tried it. But I digress at the moment.
I was lucky enough to not have problems with her latching, it came so naturally, even when she was first born. She latched immediately, which I was told is a huge rarity. With the latch not being a problem, we soon found out it was my supply.
My supply was low; I kept attempting to feed her, but she wasn’t gaining the necessary weight, so in came the formula to help supplement what I couldn’t provide. Both my midwife and doula could see I was struggling and they made suggestions of things to try. My midwife suggested Milk Aplenty by Rumina. It was this foul tasting herbal supplement, that I would usually take with a small glass of orange juice to help mask the taste….didn’t really work though. Sadly, I began to noticed I was having a reaction to it; my throat was sore and hurt terribly and I eventually stopped taking it, but it worked!
At one point, my supply was so plentiful that I was leaking every morning and I was happy about it! I was pumping for night time feeds and breast feeding all day long. Though once I discovered the reaction to the supplement, I had to try other options: lactation cookies (nope), power pumping (no), different herbal supplements (yeah right!), even stupid teas (you must be joking? They didn’t work). Nothing worked and at one point I began to resent pumping. Neither the electronic or manual worked all that great, not to mention the little results it yielded.
In the month of December 2023, sickness came into play and took it’s toll on both Valeria and I. She wasn’t able to feed with her congestion and I had to be on antibiotics for a ruptured eardrum (yeah, that’s right, my congestion was so bad it popped my eardrum, nasty right?!). My supply tanked and was pretty much non-existent. I kept attempting to pump, but became discouraged when I would only produce 10-20 mls a day, if I was lucky. Eventually I had to make the very hard decision to stop and strictly formula feed.
Ultimately I wanted Valeria fed and not starving, but it left me feeling disconnected, worthless and a whole slew of emotions I can’t even fully describe. I even had some breakdowns because of it. It’s hard to describe how that loss of connection with your child feels. Almost like a void, an emptiness and I was only able to breast feed her for a very short time. Now imagine a mother who breast feeds for years.
To this day, I wish I could have fed her longer, but that wasn’t the journey we were meant to take. I’m still not fully recovered, but I’m trying to be patient with myself and allow the recovery to take it’s course. It’s getting better each day as I watch her grow and surpass milestones. Recovery time is subjective to the person in my opinion and mine is taking a bit longer. I’m a very emotional person deep down, though most people don’t know it.
While going through the aftermath of “weaning”, which I learned about after I stopped breast feeding. I really didn’t understand what was going on with me. I just thought, ‘Oh I’m feeling really melancholy, it must be postpartum depression…’ but no. Not everything can be chalked up to postpartum depression, it’s not always that simple it seems.
I was shown a video by a family member and I did further investigation into this as well, reading article after article. So I do encourage you to do your own research as well.
Now, I don’t take credit for anything I’m about to say, it all goes to this woman Danielle Facey, who has put in the work to gather the information which I will share now. I’m going to highlight what I think is important, so here it goes…
- There is little to no research of the impact that weaning has on a mother’s body, however many women seem to share similar experiences. While you are pregnant, our oestrogen and progesterone levels shoot up, helping us to feel happy and healthy while we are expecting. However, in postpartum these hormone levels plummet and stay low for as long as we are lactating. But during lactation, our prolactin and oxytocin (our feel good hormone) rise, which helps us to feel calm, content and helps us as mothers to fall back to sleep after a night of nursing or pumping.
- As we start to breast feed less and lactation lessens/stops, prolactin and oxytocin drop drastically. Because of this hormonal shift, it makes mothers experience an array of emotions and symptoms, such as:
- Nausea, Headaches, Insomnia, Nightmares, Irritability, Depression, ‘Brain Fog’, Mood Swings, and more.
Some mothers hardly notice symptoms while other experience post-weaning depression or weaning blues. This can occur up to several months after weaning. Eventually other feel good hormones will come back to normal levels to help combat this. It just takes time, typically four to eight weeks.
- This is temporary and things will get back to normal eventually, but if you are concerned please seek medical attention from a health care provider. You can try to cope with your symptoms by:
- eating protein with each meal to balance blood sugar levels, necessary vitamins and minerals, regular exercise and exposure to sunlight (Vitamin D is key!)
Now, like I stated before, I think recovery time is subjective to the person. Medically, it’s hormonal shifts and swings, the body is quite fascinating, isn’t it? And yes, this contributes to emotional factors that you go through after weaning. But the emotional and physical connective link to your baby, well it’s special. When that link is chinked, it’s hard to navigate back to fix it.
So what’s the verdict here?
Well.. know that if you just had a baby and are breast feeding, it can be difficult and a true test in an already trying time. Some women are fortunate while others are not so lucky. But the journey is different for everyone and what you are feeling is “normal” in a sense. I really do hate to use the word normal, but you are not alone in your feelings. Try to do your best with breast feeding, try what you feel is good for you and go as long as you need to before you decide to wean. Only you know when you and your baby are ready to take that step.
Remember you are not only food (or as I referred to myself as a cow) for your child, you are so much more to them than that. You are their world!
The emotional turmoil you will or are going through after weaning is also “normal” and it does get easier with time. But don’t clock your recovery based on things you read or are told, take your time to work through the emotions and if need be, seek medical assistance. Don’t be ashamed.
You are never alone in your struggles postpartum, somewhere there is a mama going through the same things you are. It just seems Taboo to discuss them.
I want to change that.
Let’s uncover those Taboo topics together shall we?
Ciao
Here are the links to TikTok and her website: https://www.tiktok.com/@thebreastfeedingmentor/photo/7288660061264563489
https://www.tiktok.com/@thebreastfeedingmentor/photo/7342638822213127456
https://www.tiktok.com/@thebreastfeedingmentor/photo/7333293504648465697
https://www.thebreastfeedingmentor.com/blog
Medical Article: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6096620
Newspaper Article: https://www.washingtonpost.com/wellness/2023/10/19/postweaning-depression-anxiety-new-moms
Mama on the Move 
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