Before I got pregnant, I never really thought about being pregnant and whether I would breastfeed or formula feed. But it’s a pretty important factor into how you want to raise and feed your baby. You can read article and studies galore on each, and I do suggest you research both sides. However, when I found out I was pregnant, I knew I wanted to breastfeed my baby. It wasn’t even a question, but I was worried I wouldn’t produce enough milk and sadly, my concern was accurate.
As the months passed on and I got closer to my due date, my Midwife suggested I begin to collect Colostrum. For those who don’t know (I didn’t have a clue), Colostrum is “liquid gold” for babies. Colostrum is the first milk that your body produces while you are pregnant and a few days after you give birth; it is almost like a light amber or yellow colour. Colostrum contains many different elements for supporting growth, development and immune defense for your baby.
We bought 1 ml syringes and I went to town! I was producing quite a bit of Colostrum, I was able to fill about 10-12 syringes and it looked promising for my milk production. At least that’s what my husband and I thought.
In the coming weeks following up to my daughter’s birth, I kept watching videos on proper latching, different positions for feeding, signs and remedies for sore nipples/blocked ducts. You name it, I watched or read it and I was ready!
When my daughter was born, we attempted to breast feed her and she latched immediately. Both my Midwife and Doula were stunned! My Doula even said “This normally doesn’t happen for first time mom’s, where the baby just latches so naturally.” It made me feel very proud of myself and proud of her that she took to my breast so quickly.
The following days, weeks and months however, was a different story all together. Not only was I dealing with a bit of Postpartum depression, but I was struggling to feed my baby. She wasn’t gaining much weight after her birth and she was wailing from starvation; unknown to my husband and I until our midwife pointed it out. Unfortunately, we needed to implement formula to make up for my lack of production. It devastated me and I felt like a failure.
I can’t describe the emotional toll breastfeeding and the struggles I had with it really took on me. It’s something only another struggling mom would understand. It was a beautiful bond with my daughter; to feed and nourish her from me. But that bond was broken when my milk supply tanked from sickness.
I tried everything and I mean EVERYTHING! Multiple different supplements and drops, lactation cookies, power pump sessions, pumping every hour, etc. You name it, I tried it. And for a short time my supply went up from these drops called – Milk Aplenty by Rumina. Baby girl was feeding hourly, I was pumping and even leaking some mornings when I got up from bed. Too much info probably I know, but I’m being real. Things were going amazing and I began to be hopeful at her 2 month mark.
Then….the bomb struck….
We all got really sick: our daughter, my husband and I. Two months old and extremely sick. So, not only had my body been under stress from breastfeeding and trying everything in my power for my production but now I had stress from caring/worrying about my sick daughter. Then my eardrum ruptured from my sickness as I was incredibly congested and that was it. Antibiotics and a slew of other meds and my supply plummeted.
For weeks after I tried to bring it back up, and unfortunately my daughter stopped latching to me when she got sick. Her congestion was so bad she couldn’t feed without having her nasal passages cleared first. I tried latching her a few times, but gave up on that too. I didn’t want her crying and stressed out while I tried to latch/feed her, she didn’t even want to be near my nipples. That was a terrible feeling.
I felt defeated, devastated, hopeless and a total failure to her. I tried. I was determined and ultimately I couldn’t succeed.
My husband was supportive, and kept encouraging me to try. I’d get upset with him when he would make suggestions or try to be encouraging. It wasn’t right, but it became a very sensitive topic for me. I didn’t want any advice about it near the end. And when I finally decided to give up, he hugged me and said “You are more then just milk baby, you are a wonderful mother and gave what you could.” I will always remember that.
I feel like women don’t discuss the struggles of breastfeeding as openly, or maybe that’s just my opinion. But it needs to be discussed more. So, if you are a mom struggling, do your best and give your baby what you can. And don’t let anyone dictate when you should stop trying, only you know when you are emotionally and physically spent, especially in this department. Know that I am here for you and I know your struggles.
Now I can be less stressed and focus on my beautiful baby girl Valeria and truly cherishing her developmental moments.
I’m here if you need me.
Ciao
Mama on the Move 