Tag: mental-health

Posted in Health & Wellness

Conflicted

Posted on by Mama

As you all know, I’ve started therapy and it’s been about two months now that I’ve been attending. It’s been really helpful, but also really difficult. And this is something that I think I’ll probably discuss in my next session.

I’m a pretty intuitive person and when someone doesn’t like or likes me I sense it immediately. Could say either I’m good at reading people or I can feel people’s energies, whichever option you choose is fine by me.

Nevertheless, I myself don’t like being fake and it isn’t true to who I am as a person. However when I’m around certain people, I have to hide who I am and my personality….it sucks and truly destroys me emotionally. I had to be that way throughout most of my childhood/teens and I am finally comfortable with who I am. I’m tired of being “bullied” by the mean girl crowd.

But am I perfect? NO! Am I judgemental? Yes. Am I too honest for most people? Hell Yes! Could most people handle the real me? Absolutely not! I am not the easiest person and my walls are extremely high, so I only let those who deserve it past those walls – in turn they gain my loyalty and friendship. I’m also not a stranger to conflict, I’d prefer if you come to me with your problems and we can work it out like ADULTS. **If I would scratch underline adults on this post I totally would. **

Now you are probably wondering, ‘Why are you ranting about this?’ I’ll tell you…

I’ve been dealing with a situation that has basically plagued me for a long time now and I’ve always just played the civil/nice card because I thought it would be easier that way. Even when I’ve been made to feel strange, invalid, less than and so many other feelings. Being spoken to in a condescending way and with passive aggressive commentary thrown in when possible has made the situation unbearable at times. But I’ve kept my mouth shut, only recently snapping back.

But I’m tired and I don’t want to play the nice card any more. But how do I separate myself from this? How do I stay true to myself and who I am without causing a battle? Because I’ll be honest, my first instinct is confrontation.

Maybe my therapist will have an answer, because if I learn a method to handling this type of difficult situation, I’ll also be able to pass this on to Valeria. A lesson she will surely learn later in life. Not everyone has to like each other, that is for sure. But can everyone co-exist with each other either? That I’m not sure of.

We’ll see what happens. Thanks for letting me rant, until next time..

I hope you have a wonderful day or night wherever you are in the world.

Ciao

Posted in Health & Wellness

Making Space for Me in the Middle of Motherhood

Posted on by Mama

I’m keeping this one short and real — mostly because I’m under the weather today. Not quite curl-up-in-bed-with-tea-and-movies sick, but enough that my energy’s running on low. To make things extra fun, Valeria has been dealing with a little summer cold too. It’s been a few days of lack of appetite, fussiness, and the classic toddler mystery: something is clearly wrong, but no one can say exactly what.

Honestly, sometimes I wish toddlers came with a little dashboard that just lit up with alerts: “throat sore,” “needs snuggles,” “soup only.” Wouldn’t that be helpful?

Anyway, this post isn’t about colds or wishful toddler tech. Today’s more of a real talk moment.

This year has been a bit of a roller-coaster. Emotionally and physically, I’ve been feeling stuck. I’ve been trying to push through, doing the right things — moving my body, eating well, keeping routines — but I hit a wall. So, after some serious reflection (and a lot of Google searches), I’ve decided to start therapy.

I recently had a consultation with a therapist I really clicked with. I searched for someone with the exact areas of focus I felt I needed, and it paid off. She was warm, easy to talk to, and felt like a safe space from the first few minutes. I know, I know — that’s kind of what therapists do. But sometimes, you just get a good gut feeling about a person, and this felt right. My first official session is on July 29th — wish me luck!

I truly believe that our mental and physical health are tightly connected. While I’ve been doing everything “right” on paper — lifting weights again, walking daily, sticking to a calorie deficit — I’m still not seeing much change in my weight. It’s frustrating. And to be honest, I slipped today and binged a bit. I haven’t done that in a long time. I don’t have a perfect explanation for it — it just happened. But instead of spiraling into guilt, I’m choosing to acknowledge it and move forward. Progress doesn’t mean perfection.

One of the biggest challenges I’m still working on is comparison. It’s too easy to look at someone else’s journey and feel like mine isn’t enough. But healing isn’t a race, and self-growth doesn’t come with a finish line. I’m learning to unlearn unhealthy habits and building health ones, slowly but surely.

So that’s where I’m at. A little bit of a sore throat, a little tired, but still trying. Therapy is a new chapter for me — one that feels necessary and overdue. I’m choosing to be proud of the small steps and gentle with the setbacks. If you’re in a similar place, just know it’s okay to pause, reassess, and ask for help. You’re allowed to be a work in progress.

Because that’s where I am and will be for a while.

I hope you have a wonderful day or night wherever you are in the world.

Ciao!

Posted in WP Prompt

Bonus – WordPress Prompt – Nervous Nelly

Posted on by Mama

What makes you nervous?

I’m naturally a nervous/anxious person, so really what doesn’t make me nervous. But I’ll highlight the big factors here in this post.

  1. Semi-trucks on the highway – This stems from PTSD I have from a major accident. It makes me incredibly uncomfortable and nervous, especially when I see them begin to swerve or wobble. People usually know when I’m in the car to speed on by them.
  2. Driving in the city – I used to really enjoy driving in our city, however things have gotten so bad that I get nervous behind the wheel of the car. It’s not me I’m worried about really, I’m a fairly good driver (if I do say so myself). What makes me nervous is the idiots on the road who run red lights, don’t signal, swim through the cars and constantly switching lanes, etc.
  3. Parties/gatherings – Especially when it’s new people I’m being introduced to. I have social anxiety and it makes me super nervous to have to strike up conversations with people I don’t really know. I can usually make it through, generally hoping they can’t see me sweating buckets from my nerves and anxiety. I tend to end up very quiet when I meet new people.
  4. Being late – It may sound silly, but I’m a pretty punctual personal so when it comes to being late I get nervous. I will let people know I’m running behind, I don’t want them to think I’m being rude and it’s just polite frankly.
  5. Hospitals – Nervous beyond belief and to be completely transparent I hate them. I worry about all the illness just sitting around, if things were cleaned properly, the bedside manner from staff, etc. There is a lot to be nervous about in hospitals in my opinion. Plus past experiences come into effect for this one.
  6. Being in front of crowds/Public speaking – I mean this made me panic nervous since high school. I used to do everything in my power to get out of these. I would get nervous if I messed up, being judged on my appearance, on my presentation materials, etc. I feared I wouldn’t know how to answer a question someone asked and I’d look foolish. I’m that kind of crazy! It’s not just presentations, I don’t enjoy karaoke or anything like that which puts me as the center of attention.
  7. Interviews – Is it just me or does anyone else hate talking themselves up for employers? It makes me so incredibly nervous to have to sit in front of a stranger or sometimes multiple strangers and talk about qualifications, answer problem solving questions, etc. It’s brutal! What’s even worse is if they give you some sort of test to do….yeah I’ve had a few of those interviews as well. No thanks! HATE THEM!
  8. Roller coasters – Yeah, this one makes me nervous. The possibilities of it breaking down, malfunctioning or death….well I tend to stay clear of them these days.
  9. Natural Bodies of water – Yup I get panic nervous being in or on a lake or ocean. You will never see me on a cruise, I won’t get on a boat (unless forced), if I go in the lake I cling to my husband and I mean literally wrap my legs around his waist as he holds me. The reason being is I don’t know what’s in there. I admire and love being by these gorgeous bodies of water and I am absolutely fascinated with sea life, however do I want to be up close and personal with it…..no! Anything could be in there, even dead bodies; animal or human. Think about that next time!
  10. Being a good mom – This has made me nervous for as long as I can remember, even before my husband and I started to try for kids. I was worried about raising smart, sweet and polite kids and being a kind, loving mom. I feared I would be too stern or not be able to provide for my kids, etc. I think deep down it’s a fear all women have.

Now these are not in any particular order, but being a good mom would be top of the list if I had to pick. But as you can tell these are just some things that makes me nervous. I know, I know….seems like I’m a crazy person.

Maybe.

But just know I wasn’t always this way, I became this way over a mountain of different life experiences I’ve had.

Until next time…

Ciao!

Posted in Health & Wellness

I Can’t Today

Posted on by Mama

I’m having all sorts of feelings and things going on, that sadly I am not going to post today. Partly from quitting smoking and just personal things going on.

I apologize, but I can’t focus on writing a post in this state, it’s not fair to me or you.

Much love going out to all of you and I hope you had a wonderful Saturday wherever you are in the world!

Ciao!!

Posted in WP Prompt

Bonus – WordPress Prompts – Endless Experiences…

Posted on by Mama

What experiences in life helped you grow the most?

I have had countless experiences in my life that have helped me grow as a person, who hasn’t? But the two most significant ones would be:

  1. The bus accident, which happened over 10 years ago close to Syracuse, New York. We were headed on a shopping trip to New York City, and for my cousin, aunt, brother, mom and myself, it was more to see our family in Staten Island. The charter bus had some complications just after we crossed the border and so we pulled over. The second bus went on ahead, trying to keep schedule. Unfortunately, when the bus went to pull back onto the highway, we were hit by a semi truck. It was horrific and actually made news. (Too much happened to explain in this post, maybe I’ll write about it some day.) Hospital visits, separated from my family with only my brother with me, all our belongings destroyed, and having to track our family down via hospital staff was a nightmare.

The aftermath of the accident scarring and the thought we could have all perished in the accident an eye-opener. I had severe PTSD, depression and minor physical injuries, injuries I still deal with today. But that horrible experience taught me about how strong I was, physically and emotionally. To heal, recover and to learn never take life for granted. I had to persevere through my recovery, to gain skills to deal with my emotional trauma that I still utilize to this day. My lower back is still effected, but through the wonderful help of my physiotherapist, she has helped me to learn techniques and exercises to alleviate, manage and ultimately prevent my back from giving out, even suggested weight lifting to strengthen my core and back muscles. Knowledge I didn’t know at the time.

That experience helped me grow as an individual; realizing I’m strong, resilient and to live life to the fullest. If God wants to call me home, well he can at any time, so why live in fear?

2. The second is becoming a mother. I know, I know this one is probably a cliché answer, but it’s true. Never in my life did I think I’d become a mother and in my 20’s I was sure I didn’t want kids. As I got closer to my 30’s my mind changed and my clock started ticking. Tick Tick Tick.

When I found out I was pregnant, my first emotions were excitement and fear; an emotion I never admitted to anyone, except my husband, at the time. I was growing a precious life, anything that I did or ate or drank affected her as well. It taught me to care for myself and her. I also opted for natural childbirth, which was really tough. That showed me that I am able to endure one of the most difficult things a woman can do, to bring a life into this world. At one point, I didn’t think I could do it physically because frankly it’s EXHAUSTING and PAINFUL!

But after giving birth, I now had a little human to care for and to recover myself. The emotional ups and downs that comes along with motherhood is a roller coaster. You are emotionally and physically drained on a daily basis. Becoming a mother has taught me patience, control, self-awareness, happiness and stress! It has been both rewarding and miserable, but I keep learning day by day with my daughter. I’m strong for her and I want to a good role model, showing her constant love, kindness and understanding.

To raise a good little human is hard these days, but damn it I’m going to try!

Ciao!!

Posted in Daily Life as a Parent

Toxic Positivity…What the Fuck?!

Posted on by Mama

Excuse my language but really what the fuck? This is a term I just heard today, and not even said directly to me but my husband.

My husband is very much a positive person and is in touch with his emotions. However when asked about his weekend, he stated this woman that it was great and that he never has a bad day. He always tries to find the good even in the roughest of times. She then in turn, proceeded to tell him that it’s okay not to be happy all the time and that being positive can cause toxic positivity. As I heard her explain this to him, essentially rejecting all negative emotions and how it’s evolution that if we go through pain it’s so that we won’t go through it again and blah blah. Basically, if you are too happy and positive, it’s bad. That’s what I got from her explanation.

I sat there listening to this with a stunned and bewildered expression. It took everything in me not to jump in and make comments to this woman, because frankly this way of thinking is fucked up. What has happened to our society that we consider positive thinking and happiness as a negative now?

Here is the descriptions I found on this:

  1. Toxic positivity or positive toxicity is dysfunctional emotional management without the full acknowledgement of negative emotions, particularly anger and sadness.
  2. Descriptions of toxic positivity vary, though there are some common elements in each definition. Toxic Positivity occurs when encouraging statements are expected to minimize or eliminate painful emotions, creating pressure to be unrealistically optimistic without considering the circumstances of the situation. https://adaa.org/learn-from-us/from-the-experts/blog-posts/consumer/toxic-positivity

This terminology is linked to Anxiety and Depression. I’m not sure this woman even truly knows the definition and why it was originally created. When she stated that we as humans have evolved to learn from our emotions so that we don’t do or go through it again. It made me really upset. That isn’t even true. My first thought was child birth, the second was mourning a death and the third was raising children. All these things have difficult emotions attached, but also happy ones as well. God gave us emotions for a reason.

I would happily go through child birth again because it gives me a child which my body was able to grow, I love raising my daughter and hope to raise another child or two and I’ve mourned so many loved ones, but the hurt never overshadows the beautiful memories I have of them.

The way she utilized it was so far incorrect it’s disappointing and irks me to my core. This was created for people who have difficulty with emotional management. But the better question is why?

I apologize if I offend anyone here, but this is my opinion. Shouldn’t we as a society look at the bigger picture as to why people are masking depression with the age old “I’m great!” answer. Instead of labelling everything, creating new terminology or just allowing it to be acceptable, shouldn’t we try to find a solution? It’s not okay to mask emotions all the time, eventually they get released and sometimes the consequences can be extremely terrible in some cases. But where is the line when people use terms incorrectly or try to bring someone down for genuinely be a positive, happy person?

It causes a heavy heart for me to see a society so accepting of this. It’s become a norm and it really shouldn’t be. We as a society need to realize that all these things swirling around in our world now, are not all good things. The even a misuse of a term can cause harm. Can I call this Toxic Misuse and make it a thing?

This concept doesn’t remotely apply to my husband. Thankfully he stood up for himself and told her he didn’t believe in her theory and in a round about way told her off. When we looked it up, we were both astonished and just shook our heads.

Toxic Positivity….Are you kidding me?

End of rant.

Ciao!

Posted in Health & Wellness

Cutting Out Negativity

Posted on by Mama

I’ve thought about many different topics to blog about today; everything from my day all the way to breast weaning. But I’ve landed on this topic: Cutting out negativity.

Every since I’ve given birth I’ve dealt with this, let’s say “funk” because I wouldn’t call it depression. It’s just a sense of blah. I am a perfectionist on a good day and I hold myself to a high standard, but when I get into a bad head space, well it’s much worse. Small “failures” tend to feel like giant cavernous holes, when in actuality, it’s so minute that it doesn’t really matter.

Since I’ve been in this funky head space, I haven’t been feeling myself. It took me 31 years to truly find who I was and to start truly loving myself and embracing me, quirks and all. Now, I constantly have negative thoughts toward myself, how I am as a mom and who I am in general. Now, I will admit there are influences from many different avenues contributing to these negative thoughts.

After a particularly rough time with my daughter and unable to soothe her, my husband came home to a crying screaming baby, in which he happily took and immediately consoled her. I walked away to cry in our bedroom. It’s a reality that most mothers face, I don’t care what these “perfect” Internet Influencers claim, it happens to us all. It was the straw that broke the camel’s back yesterday. And I needed the release.

I then had a very deep, meaningful and tear filled conversation with my husband last night about everything I was holding inside. Oh, did I mention I love bottling up my feelings until I burst and just let the tears flow? Yeah, I’m one of those! But I needed to get it out.

I told him everything and I mean EVERYTHING. My feeling of inadequacy as a mother, my negative self image, feeling judgment from others for being different, even things I’ve been feeling toward him and who I ultimately want in my life. He listened very intently while I bawled my eyes out and vented about everything. When I finished he proceeded to tell me his thoughts, his feelings, how he saw me (physically, mentally, emotionally) and some of the most incredible words I ever heard him say to me (besides I love you) was this, “If something or someone is not making you happy, cut out the negativity from your life. Your happiness is all that matters, and it’s time to be selfish, especially with the way you are feeling. You just had a baby, you are a new mother, you don’t need the added stress and negative impact in your life. Focus on you and what makes you happy.”

Crazy how right he is, isn’t it?

I’m tired of feeling this way, and I don’t want Valeria to see me this way as she gets older. I know she is a baby now, but I want to set a good example for her, both physically and emotionally. So, I’ve decided to take my husband’s advice. I’m going to cut out all the negative aspects of my life. I started doing this while I was pregnant, cutting those who weren’t there for me before and during that time. I think it’s time to pick up where I left off, to start a new.

I need to get my head space in check and this is how it’s going to go: I’m going to be distancing myself from unnecessary things, tasks and people. Plain, simple and to the point! I’m tired of stressing myself out to fit a cookie cutter mold of what people think I should be as a mom or as a person in general. I’m done. I’m a bit of a weirdo and I want to raise my child the way I see fit.

I’m also starting to think social media is a death trap that I don’t really want to be a part of any longer as well. I think I’ll be disabling those too. If people need to get a hold of me; you’ve got my number, or my husband’s or hell even my parents number. I’ll get the message one way or another.

Sometimes, you just need a good cry, amazing eye-opening advice and a re-assessment of your life.

Let’s get to work!

Ciao!!

Posted in Health & Wellness

Trying To Find Balance

Posted on by Mama

Today was a rough day for me, extremely emotional to say the least. I wasn’t sure I was even in the mood to write my post today, but I couldn’t bring myself to break this new habit. It’s a bit of a reflective and candid blog post today.

Since the birth of my daughter, I’ve been quiet about the emotional turmoil going on inside. Before you say, “POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION!”, trust me it’s not that. I know depression all too well from my teens and early twenties. What I’ve been feeling is different, almost lonesome and poor self-image.

I had to admit this to my husband today. Not an easy conversation for us to have and one that was very self-reflecting for him as well.

And hold that thought….laundry needs to be put in the dryer! *Plays cute hold music* Okay, where was I…ah yes, revealing to my husband how unbalanced my life seems and how my emotions have been wreaking havoc internally.

Now please don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love my life, but I don’t feel myself. I feel unbalanced and what I mean by that is, I don’t have an outlet other than blogging every day. Leaving the house has been…difficult with this terrible weather recently. I don’t have an activity or class to attend once a week. My close friends and family all live far, except for one, but I don’t see her often any more. The weight gain after the pregnancy was due to the stress of breastfeeding, so that is winding down some, but definitely making my weight loss a bit of a struggle to get rolling. That blasted scale is evil I tell you!

I need to find balance.

My photography is a great outlet for my creative side, along with my wood burning…’I should really get back to that soon‘. Reading has been good lately as well, keeping my mind focused and imaginative. But my physical and social is the real problem.

My weight loss journey will be a long one; Rome wasn’t built in a day, after all. I need to have patience. And I know the pregnancy changed my body in a lot of ways. But it’s hard to look at a picture from before the pregnancy, where I had started my weight loss journey initially and then now. I need my gym outlet back! It was extremely therapeutic for me to go in with my workout plan and just lift weights. The stress, anxiety, everything just melted away and I felt great. I miss it quite a bit. However, now I have to think; When can I go? Who will watch the baby for us? Can I change my schedule to go super early in the morning? All good questions and all without an answer. Unbalanced.

The social aspect; well I thought about mommy support groups and such, but to be completely honest, it doesn’t feel like something I’d enjoy. I thought about taking a class, my husband also suggested it today as well. A cooking class would be nice, or maybe a language class, but not sure where I’d go for that. I do try to keep in touch with my friends and family the best I can, but everyone has their own lives. Understandably so. But what do I do? How do I fix it? Unbalanced.

This doesn’t just happen to pregnant women, I’m sure everyone goes through this at some point in their lives. Maybe I’m just abnormal in this postpartum recovery and this is my time to restructure and re-balance.

How do you deal with your life when it becomes unbalanced?

Ciao!