Let’s be real here, you just pushed out a tiny human being….OUCH! Now, not only do you have to care for yourself, but for them, so how do you manage?
I’ll be frank here and say, I was not taught about postpartum care in school. They put the fear of God in us about premarital sex and the repercussions, but never about what happens after baby.
So why isn’t this really discussed?
It wasn’t until I dove deep into threads, books and discussions with those who have had babies in the last two years, that I found out the truth. I really didn’t care before I had a child of my own, to be fair, it’s not like I went searching for the information because I just HAD to know. But I wish I wasn’t so oblivious to it for so long as a woman.
“What the hell is a Peri bottle?” “They have cold pads for your coochie?” “I have to wear diapers?!”
Yup, those were just some of my thoughts and it’s all that and so much more.
I had a 26 hour natural labor and it was exhausting to say the least. Do I regret it? No, absolutely not. I was fortunate enough to have no major tearing, yes ladies….you tear and for some women so badly they need some serious stitches down below. I had micro-tears, still unpleasant needless to say. But that’s why the Peri bottle is so important.
I didn’t think to take a diaper to my birth, in fact, most clinics or hospitals will provide you with some or very GIANT thick pads to put in your underwear. Highly uncomfortable might I add. That’s what I was given at the clinic, a ginormous pad. It kept me protected enough to make it home and throw on a diaper. Thank goodness the clinic was only five minutes from my house, so it didn’t stay on long.
I always laugh because my daughter and I were both in diapers at the same time! Now that’s a bonding moment if there ever was one.
So remember how I said I went deep down the rabbit hole for information, well people made suggestions for things to buy for recovery. My purchases were as follows:
Peri Bottle – An absolute must
Loose fitting nightgown or Pajamas – Oh yeah
Calm Magnesium Powder – This helped a lot
Tucks personal cleansing pads (cooling and soothing) – Refunded, didn’t even open them
Frida Mom Perineal Cooling Pad liners – Refunded, didn’t even open them
I personally felt most comfortable wearing a diaper for a while and eventually switching to a pad when the bleeding became lighter. And the Peri bottle was MAGIC! I personally preferred warm water when I used it, just felt better and more soothing for me. I lived in my loose fitting nightgown and over-sized pajamas for a good while, also very loose fitting clothing if I had to venture out for whatever reason. And the Magnesium powder I’d throw in water and it helped with my mood and recovery. The lozenges also helped with my mood and surprisingly helped me sleep as well. You go through a lot emotionally to boot in Postpartum, which I’ll touch on more later.
And that was it. People suggested all sorts of herbal remedies, cooling pads, diapers, pads, period underwear, etc. But what it ultimately comes down to is your pain tolerance, what you went through during your birth (major tearing, c-section, etc) and what you want to spend your money on. Also, what you feel comfortable with.
Remember you gave birth to a little one, you may have tearing/stitches, you also have a hole in your abdominal wall from where the placenta was attached – the pain and healing process takes time. And it’s different for everyone!
This is a post I kept going back and forth about writing for a number of reasons. But I’ve decided to share my story. This will be the first post in a series I will be doing.
***Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional, this is just my journey and what I learned. If you are having severe emotional struggles, depression or suicidal thoughts, please seek medical attention immediately. Thank you***
As a first time mother, I always knew I wanted to try breast feeding my baby. As you’ve probably heard time and time again, “Breast is best”…and to some degree it is. But for a lot of women it isn’t a possibility or even a consideration and that’s okay! You do what’s best for you and your child, you are the parent after all and a fed baby is a happy healthy baby.
However in my case, no one told me how difficult it could be or even the repercussions of stopping.
Before I gave birth, I could feel my body getting ready; my breasts were getting heavy and filling with milk. I was informed by my midwife that I should start collecting Colostrum also referred to as “liquid gold”. It’s essentially the thick first milk you produce while pregnant and just after birth. It is high in nutrients, antibodies and antioxidants, which greatly helps your baby’s immune system. So, I did what any mother would after hearing all those fabulous benefits, I bought syringes and began collecting! I collected 15 syringes in total, all varying amounts, but I was so proud of myself and felt ready to take on my breast feeding journey.
Unfortunately, my breast feeding journey with Valeria was a struggle to begin with and then was cut short due to illness. My supply tanked, what little I had to start and I tried everything to up my supply. You name it, I tried it. But I digress at the moment.
I was lucky enough to not have problems with her latching, it came so naturally, even when she was first born. She latched immediately, which I was told is a huge rarity. With the latch not being a problem, we soon found out it was my supply.
My supply was low; I kept attempting to feed her, but she wasn’t gaining the necessary weight, so in came the formula to help supplement what I couldn’t provide. Both my midwife and doula could see I was struggling and they made suggestions of things to try. My midwife suggested Milk Aplenty by Rumina. It was this foul tasting herbal supplement, that I would usually take with a small glass of orange juice to help mask the taste….didn’t really work though. Sadly, I began to noticed I was having a reaction to it; my throat was sore and hurt terribly and I eventually stopped taking it, but it worked!
At one point, my supply was so plentiful that I was leaking every morning and I was happy about it! I was pumping for night time feeds and breast feeding all day long. Though once I discovered the reaction to the supplement, I had to try other options: lactation cookies (nope), power pumping (no), different herbal supplements (yeah right!), even stupid teas (you must be joking? They didn’t work). Nothing worked and at one point I began to resent pumping. Neither the electronic or manual worked all that great, not to mention the little results it yielded.
In the month of December 2023, sickness came into play and took it’s toll on both Valeria and I. She wasn’t able to feed with her congestion and I had to be on antibiotics for a ruptured eardrum (yeah, that’s right, my congestion was so bad it popped my eardrum, nasty right?!). My supply tanked and was pretty much non-existent. I kept attempting to pump, but became discouraged when I would only produce 10-20 mls a day, if I was lucky. Eventually I had to make the very hard decision to stop and strictly formula feed.
Ultimately I wanted Valeria fed and not starving, but it left me feeling disconnected, worthless and a whole slew of emotions I can’t even fully describe. I even had some breakdowns because of it. It’s hard to describe how that loss of connection with your child feels. Almost like a void, an emptiness and I was only able to breast feed her for a very short time. Now imagine a mother who breast feeds for years.
To this day, I wish I could have fed her longer, but that wasn’t the journey we were meant to take. I’m still not fully recovered, but I’m trying to be patient with myself and allow the recovery to take it’s course. It’s getting better each day as I watch her grow and surpass milestones. Recovery time is subjective to the person in my opinion and mine is taking a bit longer. I’m a very emotional person deep down, though most people don’t know it.
While going through the aftermath of “weaning”, which I learned about after I stopped breast feeding. I really didn’t understand what was going on with me. I just thought, ‘Oh I’m feeling really melancholy, it must be postpartum depression…’ but no. Not everything can be chalked up to postpartum depression, it’s not always that simple it seems.
I was shown a video by a family member and I did further investigation into this as well, reading article after article. So I do encourage you to do your own research as well.
Now, I don’t take credit for anything I’m about to say, it all goes to this woman Danielle Facey, who has put in the work to gather the information which I will share now. I’m going to highlight what I think is important, so here it goes…
There is little to no research of the impact that weaning has on a mother’s body, however many women seem to share similar experiences. While you are pregnant, our oestrogen and progesterone levels shoot up, helping us to feel happy and healthy while we are expecting. However, in postpartum these hormone levels plummet and stay low for as long as we are lactating. But during lactation, our prolactin and oxytocin (our feel good hormone) rise, which helps us to feel calm, content and helps us as mothers to fall back to sleep after a night of nursing or pumping.
As we start to breast feed less and lactation lessens/stops, prolactin and oxytocin drop drastically. Because of this hormonal shift, it makes mothers experience an array of emotions and symptoms, such as:
Nausea, Headaches, Insomnia, Nightmares, Irritability, Depression, ‘Brain Fog’, Mood Swings, and more.
Some mothers hardly notice symptoms while other experience post-weaning depression or weaning blues. This can occur up to several months after weaning. Eventually other feel good hormones will come back to normal levels to help combat this. It just takes time, typically four to eight weeks.
This is temporary and things will get back to normal eventually, but if you are concerned please seek medical attention from a health care provider. You can try to cope with your symptoms by:
eating protein with each meal to balance blood sugar levels, necessary vitamins and minerals, regular exercise and exposure to sunlight (Vitamin D is key!)
Now, like I stated before, I think recovery time is subjective to the person. Medically, it’s hormonal shifts and swings, the body is quite fascinating, isn’t it? And yes, this contributes to emotional factors that you go through after weaning. But the emotional and physical connective link to your baby, well it’s special. When that link is chinked, it’s hard to navigate back to fix it.
So what’s the verdict here?
Well.. know that if you just had a baby and are breast feeding, it can be difficult and a true test in an already trying time. Some women are fortunate while others are not so lucky. But the journey is different for everyone and what you are feeling is “normal” in a sense. I really do hate to use the word normal, but you are not alone in your feelings. Try to do your best with breast feeding, try what you feel is good for you and go as long as you need to before you decide to wean. Only you know when you and your baby are ready to take that step.
Remember you are not only food (or as I referred to myself as a cow) for your child, you are so much more to them than that. You are their world!
The emotional turmoil you will or are going through after weaning is also “normal” and it does get easier with time. But don’t clock your recovery based on things you read or are told, take your time to work through the emotions and if need be, seek medical assistance. Don’t be ashamed.
You are never alone in your struggles postpartum, somewhere there is a mama going through the same things you are. It just seems Taboo to discuss them.
I want to change that.
Let’s uncover those Taboo topics together shall we?
Today was a rough day for me, extremely emotional to say the least. I wasn’t sure I was even in the mood to write my post today, but I couldn’t bring myself to break this new habit. It’s a bit of a reflective and candid blog post today.
Since the birth of my daughter, I’ve been quiet about the emotional turmoil going on inside. Before you say, “POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION!”, trust me it’s not that. I know depression all too well from my teens and early twenties. What I’ve been feeling is different, almost lonesome and poor self-image.
I had to admit this to my husband today. Not an easy conversation for us to have and one that was very self-reflecting for him as well.
And hold that thought….laundry needs to be put in the dryer! *Plays cute hold music* Okay, where was I…ah yes, revealing to my husband how unbalanced my life seems and how my emotions have been wreaking havoc internally.
Now please don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love my life, but I don’t feel myself. I feel unbalanced and what I mean by that is, I don’t have an outlet other than blogging every day. Leaving the house has been…difficult with this terrible weather recently. I don’t have an activity or class to attend once a week. My close friends and family all live far, except for one, but I don’t see her often any more. The weight gain after the pregnancy was due to the stress of breastfeeding, so that is winding down some, but definitely making my weight loss a bit of a struggle to get rolling. That blasted scale is evil I tell you!
I need to find balance.
My photography is a great outlet for my creative side, along with my wood burning…’I should really get back to that soon‘. Reading has been good lately as well, keeping my mind focused and imaginative. But my physical and social is the real problem.
My weight loss journey will be a long one; Rome wasn’t built in a day, after all. I need to have patience. And I know the pregnancy changed my body in a lot of ways. But it’s hard to look at a picture from before the pregnancy, where I had started my weight loss journey initially and then now. I need my gym outlet back! It was extremely therapeutic for me to go in with my workout plan and just lift weights. The stress, anxiety, everything just melted away and I felt great. I miss it quite a bit. However, now I have to think; When can I go? Who will watch the baby for us? Can I change my schedule to go super early in the morning? All good questions and all without an answer. Unbalanced.
The social aspect; well I thought about mommy support groups and such, but to be completely honest, it doesn’t feel like something I’d enjoy. I thought about taking a class, my husband also suggested it today as well. A cooking class would be nice, or maybe a language class, but not sure where I’d go for that. I do try to keep in touch with my friends and family the best I can, but everyone has their own lives. Understandably so. But what do I do? How do I fix it? Unbalanced.
This doesn’t just happen to pregnant women, I’m sure everyone goes through this at some point in their lives. Maybe I’m just abnormal in this postpartum recovery and this is my time to restructure and re-balance.
How do you deal with your life when it becomes unbalanced?
Before I got pregnant, I never really thought about being pregnant and whether I would breastfeed or formula feed. But it’s a pretty important factor into how you want to raise and feed your baby. You can read article and studies galore on each, and I do suggest you research both sides. However, when I found out I was pregnant, I knew I wanted to breastfeed my baby. It wasn’t even a question, but I was worried I wouldn’t produce enough milk and sadly, my concern was accurate.
As the months passed on and I got closer to my due date, my Midwife suggested I begin to collect Colostrum. For those who don’t know (I didn’t have a clue), Colostrum is “liquid gold” for babies. Colostrum is the first milk that your body produces while you are pregnant and a few days after you give birth; it is almost like a light amber or yellow colour. Colostrum contains many different elements for supporting growth, development and immune defense for your baby.
We bought 1 ml syringes and I went to town! I was producing quite a bit of Colostrum, I was able to fill about 10-12 syringes and it looked promising for my milk production. At least that’s what my husband and I thought.
In the coming weeks following up to my daughter’s birth, I kept watching videos on proper latching, different positions for feeding, signs and remedies for sore nipples/blocked ducts. You name it, I watched or read it and I was ready!
When my daughter was born, we attempted to breast feed her and she latched immediately. Both my Midwife and Doula were stunned! My Doula even said “This normally doesn’t happen for first time mom’s, where the baby just latches so naturally.” It made me feel very proud of myself and proud of her that she took to my breast so quickly.
The following days, weeks and months however, was a different story all together. Not only was I dealing with a bit of Postpartum depression, but I was struggling to feed my baby. She wasn’t gaining much weight after her birth and she was wailing from starvation; unknown to my husband and I until our midwife pointed it out. Unfortunately, we needed to implement formula to make up for my lack of production. It devastated me and I felt like a failure.
I can’t describe the emotional toll breastfeeding and the struggles I had with it really took on me. It’s something only another struggling mom would understand. It was a beautiful bond with my daughter; to feed and nourish her from me. But that bond was broken when my milk supply tanked from sickness.
I tried everything and I mean EVERYTHING! Multiple different supplements and drops, lactation cookies, power pump sessions, pumping every hour, etc. You name it, I tried it. And for a short time my supply went up from these drops called – Milk Aplenty by Rumina. Baby girl was feeding hourly, I was pumping and even leaking some mornings when I got up from bed. Too much info probably I know, but I’m being real. Things were going amazing and I began to be hopeful at her 2 month mark.
Then….the bomb struck….
We all got really sick: our daughter, my husband and I. Two months old and extremely sick. So, not only had my body been under stress from breastfeeding and trying everything in my power for my production but now I had stress from caring/worrying about my sick daughter. Then my eardrum ruptured from my sickness as I was incredibly congested and that was it. Antibiotics and a slew of other meds and my supply plummeted.
For weeks after I tried to bring it back up, and unfortunately my daughter stopped latching to me when she got sick. Her congestion was so bad she couldn’t feed without having her nasal passages cleared first. I tried latching her a few times, but gave up on that too. I didn’t want her crying and stressed out while I tried to latch/feed her, she didn’t even want to be near my nipples. That was a terrible feeling.
I felt defeated, devastated, hopeless and a total failure to her. I tried. I was determined and ultimately I couldn’t succeed.
My husband was supportive, and kept encouraging me to try. I’d get upset with him when he would make suggestions or try to be encouraging. It wasn’t right, but it became a very sensitive topic for me. I didn’t want any advice about it near the end. And when I finally decided to give up, he hugged me and said “You are more then just milk baby, you are a wonderful mother and gave what you could.” I will always remember that.
I feel like women don’t discuss the struggles of breastfeeding as openly, or maybe that’s just my opinion. But it needs to be discussed more. So, if you are a mom struggling, do your best and give your baby what you can. And don’t let anyone dictate when you should stop trying, only you know when you are emotionally and physically spent, especially in this department. Know that I am here for you and I know your struggles.
Now I can be less stressed and focus on my beautiful baby girl Valeria and truly cherishing her developmental moments.
Mama on the Move 
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